pep talk.

Tomorrow I go on a VERY good job interview and my first real adventure on the Long Beach Transit system. I'm anxious, nervous, excited. Starting over at almost 30 will probably be one of the hardest things I will ever do in my entire life, but I feel pretty confident that I'm going to come out on the other end shining.

I'm pushing myself into places I've never been, and as horrifying as all of that is, I'm ready to drop bombs and move forward into a much more beautiful place.

I'm broken and damaged but every day that I wake up and keep going, it will get easier and I will grow stronger. Right now I'm focusing on the little things and finding as much joy in them as I possibly can.

I will find joy in riding my bike to the gym in Long Beach.
I will find joy and entertainment in riding the bus and seeing the strange people on it.
I will find joy in decorating my own bedroom and starting from scratch in my own place.
I will feel accomplished when I pay off my debts and can get into a car again.
It will all get better. It will it will :)

broken.

My heart is aching.
A thousand nails are stuck in my chest, poking holes in my soul and I can't breathe.
You threw me away, when I thought everything was so good.
You threw me away, and I lost everything.

I know I will be ok once I get on my feet, but I won't truly be ok until I wake up and realize that you don't exist in my heart anymore.

I want to erase you.
Eradicate you.
Pretend that you don't aren't alive.

The truth is that you don't deserve to have such a passionate, loving, creative girl in your life if you can't appreciate her.

If I was so easy to walk away from, then you absolutely are not the man for me.

perfection.

He's perfect. As close to perfect as I can hope for.
He makes me feel safe, strong, feminine, cool, loved, full of laughter -
divine, smart, funny, silly, sexy, sassy, and most of all...ME.

I feel like ME.
I'm in...
LUST. LOVE. and all of the ABOVE.

pervert.

I am gross and perverted, I'm obsessed and deranged,
I have existed for years, but very little has changed.
I'm the tool of the government and industry too,
For I am destined to rule and regulate you.
I may be vile and pernicious, but you can't look away,
I make you think I'm delicious with the stuff that I say.
I'm the best you can get.
Have you guessed me yet?
I'm the slime oozing out from your TV set.

Frank Zappa -- I'm the Slime

human traffic.

We wanna go somewhere else. We’re not threatened by people anymore. All our insecurities have evaporated. We’re in the clouds now. We’re wide open. We’re spacemen orbiting the earth. The world looks beautiful from here, man. We’re nympholeptics, desiring for the unobtainable. We risk sanity for moments of temporary enlightenment. So many ideas. So little memory. The last thought killed by anticipation of the next. We embrace an overwhelming feeling of love. We flow in unison. We’re together. I wish this was real. We want a universal level of togetherness, where we’re comfortable with everyone. We’re in rhythm. Part of a movement. A movement to escape. We wave goodbye. Ultimately, we just want to be happy. Heh, yeah, hang on, what the fuck was I just talking about?

— Jipp - Human Traffic

Yoshimoto - Do What U Do (Trentemoller Remix).avi

Do what you do to me.
You make me lose my mind.

hunter.

Let us toast to animal pleasures, to escapism, to rain on the roof and instant coffee, to unemployment insurance and library cards, to absinthe and good-hearted landlords, to music and warm bodies and contraceptives… and to the ‘good life,’ whatever it is and wherever it happens to be. - Hunter S. Thompson