Recycled Cha0s

pep talk.

2010-08-31T11:15:00.001-07:00

Tomorrow I go on a VERY good job interview and my first real adventure on the Long Beach Transit system. I'm anxious, nervous, excited. Starting over at almost 30 will probably be one of the hardest things I will ever do in my entire life, but I feel pretty confident that I'm going to come out on the other end shining.

I'm pushing myself into places I've never been, and as horrifying as all of that is, I'm ready to drop bombs and move forward into a much more beautiful place.

I'm broken and damaged but every day that I wake up and keep going, it will get easier and I will grow stronger. Right now I'm focusing on the little things and finding as much joy in them as I possibly can.

I will find joy in riding my bike to the gym in Long Beach.
I will find joy and entertainment in riding the bus and seeing the strange people on it.
I will find joy in decorating my own bedroom and starting from scratch in my own place.
I will feel accomplished when I pay off my debts and can get into a car again.
It will all get better. It will it will :)

broken.

2010-08-31T10:32:00.000-07:00

My heart is aching.
A thousand nails are stuck in my chest, poking holes in my soul and I can't breathe.
You threw me away, when I thought everything was so good.
You threw me away, and I lost everything.

I know I will be ok once I get on my feet, but I won't truly be ok until I wake up and realize that you don't exist in my heart anymore.

I want to erase you.
Eradicate you.
Pretend that you don't aren't alive.

The truth is that you don't deserve to have such a passionate, loving, creative girl in your life if you can't appreciate her.

If I was so easy to walk away from, then you absolutely are not the man for me.

perfection.

2010-08-11T20:14:00.000-07:00

He's perfect. As close to perfect as I can hope for.
He makes me feel safe, strong, feminine, cool, loved, full of laughter -
divine, smart, funny, silly, sexy, sassy, and most of all...ME.

I feel like ME.
I'm in...
LUST. LOVE. and all of the ABOVE.

pervert.

2010-07-27T17:33:00.001-07:00

I am gross and perverted, I'm obsessed and deranged,
I have existed for years, but very little has changed.
I'm the tool of the government and industry too,
For I am destined to rule and regulate you.
I may be vile and pernicious, but you can't look away,
I make you think I'm delicious with the stuff that I say.
I'm the best you can get.
Have you guessed me yet?
I'm the slime oozing out from your TV set.

Frank Zappa -- I'm the Slime

human traffic.

2010-06-03T20:06:00.001-07:00

We wanna go somewhere else. We’re not threatened by people anymore. All our insecurities have evaporated. We’re in the clouds now. We’re wide open. We’re spacemen orbiting the earth. The world looks beautiful from here, man. We’re nympholeptics, desiring for the unobtainable. We risk sanity for moments of temporary enlightenment. So many ideas. So little memory. The last thought killed by anticipation of the next. We embrace an overwhelming feeling of love. We flow in unison. We’re together. I wish this was real. We want a universal level of togetherness, where we’re comfortable with everyone. We’re in rhythm. Part of a movement. A movement to escape. We wave goodbye. Ultimately, we just want to be happy. Heh, yeah, hang on, what the fuck was I just talking about?

— Jipp - Human Traffic

Yoshimoto - Do What U Do (Trentemoller Remix).avi

2010-06-03T19:57:00.000-07:00

Do what you do to me.
You make me lose my mind.

hunter.

2010-06-03T19:47:00.001-07:00

Let us toast to animal pleasures, to escapism, to rain on the roof and instant coffee, to unemployment insurance and library cards, to absinthe and good-hearted landlords, to music and warm bodies and contraceptives… and to the ‘good life,’ whatever it is and wherever it happens to be. - Hunter S. Thompson

truth.

2010-06-03T19:44:00.000-07:00

This makes me feel better about everything I'm going through right now :)
Always a good reminder that life IS in fact, SHORT.

Love.

2010-05-20T17:37:00.000-07:00

Love is every insecurity, amplified. Made public. Love is your every infirmity naked with the robe of secrecy laying on the floor before you, in this conversation. Love is looking at that robe when you are laying face down, knocked out, and all you can see is that red velvet, crushed – the totality of your vision.

Love is this kind of pure terror with small moments of complete ecstasy. Somehow this is the only arena in your life where, miraculously, the bliss outweighs the terror. That is, if this is not simply an addiction.

Pent.

2010-04-08T22:21:00.000-07:00

I'm pent up. Tangled. My insides feel like knots that not even the most talented of people can untangle. My insides are warped and wrapped into shapes that even I cannot recognize anymore. A tangle of my wants vs. my needs, mixed in with my fears and possible regrets. I don't want any expectations. Pressures. Obligations.

Love. Lust.

2010-04-08T22:00:00.000-07:00

I fear that in love, I've given so much that I've run out for a while.

But in lust, there is much that I have never experienced.
And I yearn for it.

I've grown weary of love, and anxious for lust.

BOOM.

2010-04-08T19:43:00.000-07:00

I feel like something inside me is waiting to explode.

BOOM.

...lost?...

2010-04-07T13:05:00.001-07:00

I'm searching for the love of my life. I think I've been spending too much time trying to fit a circle into a square. But then I stop and think, *why* am I searching for the love of my life? And why am I spending so much energy trying to fit a circle into a square? Hope perhaps. Hope that someday his heart, and insides, will mend together and create something wonderful and perfect for me. Meanwhile it is all detrimental to myself.

There is a part of my brain that has begun to nag me. The nagging gets louder and louder as each week passes. My need to be alone - TRULY alone - has begun to scream at me.

I feel like I need to embark on some kind of adventure of my own. To get to know who I am again. I just haven't figure out what this adventure will be yet. Maybe a literal adventure, or maybe a metaphorical adventure. But getting to the root of who I am, and what I want out of life, and getting to a place where I can completely accept, and let go, and say "yes" and "no" to the appropriate things, is something that I need to find within myself. And soon.

I'll be back.

.tattered.

2009-05-06T09:44:00.001-07:00

I am perfectly flawed
tattered and shredded
a beautiful piece of fabric
floating aimlessly in the wind

I was sewn together with promise
but torn apart with truth
A perfect pattern
of dots
and stripes
waiting to be tucked away in his pocket
and loved forever.

- January 2009

recoil.

2009-01-26T14:58:00.000-08:00

I love photos. Love them more than some things in this life that I find to be tangible. Yet for the most part, photos are an abstract part of life. Things we hang, and start at. Sometimes we identify with them. But for me, most of the time, they excite me. Sometimes I look at a photo that makes me want to jump up and down and then share with the world. It may not even be my own. Hell, many times I don't feel that way about my own. (my own need for perfection, but I digress).

It's the colors, the lighting, the shadows, the look in subjects eyes, the feeling, the emotion of a photo. How can so many things be wrapped up into one single shot. Frozen in time forever, just like that. Perfect, the way it was meant to be.

cum.

2008-04-29T21:14:00.000-07:00

I could feel him inside of me, thick and steady.

He leaned into my soft lips and whispered....... "I love you so much".

I opened my eyes and looked into his, and mouthed the words back.

The intensity had my entire body shaking.

It seemed as if the whole world was spinning and we were levitating in the center of it.

....And then he flipped me over and took me from behind...

He pulled my hair gently, and told me he loved my pussy.

He shuffled and moved

Pulled away from me

and then repositioned into another hole.

I clenched the mattress tightly as he entered me slowly at first.

I moaned my need to him.

I told him to cum inside me.

I wanted to feel him emptying out all of his frustrations into me.

I could feel his angst tensing and releasing.
His passion was pulsating inside me.

His breathing was paced....and then faster.

I knew he was there.
I knew him.
By now I knew his triggers, his ticks, his faces.

and then with a deep breathe and an animalistic moan
I felt him empty everything deep inside of me.

I overflow with emotion when I am with him.

I love him.
I love pleasing him.

.steppin.

2008-04-09T12:36:00.000-07:00

Is it true that two passionate people

make passionate love and have passionate arguements?

At what point do those lines begin to blur ....to criss cross?

At what point do I draw a line. Or do I?

Or is this what true passionate love is?
The push and the pull.

The compromise and the take.

I'm on a journey that I've never been on before.

I'm treading carefully, but I worry that I'm only stepping on myself.

.mouth.

2008-03-31T13:22:00.000-07:00

I asked him to tell me a secret, the answer to which I didn’t even want.
He pursed his lips, shutting his heart down, spilling every anti-truth that he held inside.

Full of resolve, the words floating around my soul in dark patterns
Followed by trails of white light.
They trailed in circles that resembled an afterthought – a wave – a hope for tomorrow.
They morphed and shaped into what I wanted to hear.
The lies became truths and that which never was, became tangible and solid.

Sitting silent among the words
Taking everything in and processing them slowlyI begin to gain ground and composure.
It finally all makes sense to me…

I am not everything he wanted me to be.

.death.

2008-03-25T08:25:00.000-07:00

Most people my age have had to deal with death in some form or another in their life - but not me. I've been lucky. I've escaped the sorrow and pain associated with death, but when I find it around me, even if its not happening to me, I feel it deeply and my heart grieves for those who have lost someone close to them.

A dear friend to many of my friends has taken his life this week, and it has been an eye opener for me in so many ways. This life is just so precious. It breaks my heart to see people who never have the opportunity to see life in that light, becuase we only get once chance here. We must make the best of it.

We become numb and immune to death thanks to our media, but when it really does happen, and someone that was deeply cared for is buried...it all seems so surreal.

My heart goes out to those who lost someone dear to them this week...and mostly to my Z, who has lost yet another friend.

I do not look forward to when it is my turn to ache. *sigh*

.angst.

2008-03-13T10:44:00.000-07:00

You are a pebble in my shoe.
An annoyance.
An afterthought.

I will shake you until you are down and out
on your way out
and find another shoe to infect.

I do not have time for youor your antics.
This is my shoe, not yours.
I will tie my laces any way I chooose
and walk with confidence
despite your presence.

You will not win.

.raw.

2008-03-12T13:56:00.000-07:00

I'm squirming, aching, and listening to the sound of my breathing pass heavily in and out of my body...I’m flush with naughty thoughts and things to say.
Bite Me. Claw me. Want me.
Wrap your serpentine tongue around my devilish titsand suck the very life out of me.
Don’t ever stop… Trust me...I need it.
Every minute of every day.
Just you...
I want to unwrap myself wholly and completely and just let go.
I want to eat and be eaten.
I want no intellect, no words...nothing but pure, unadulterated, raw truth.
Heavy breathing.
Needing.
However it may be.
To desire and be desired.
Unprocessed and unrefined sex.

.i am.

2008-03-11T15:49:00.000-07:00

I am patient. I am sweet. I am passionate. I am caring. I am loving. I am affectionate. I am silly. I am fun. I am intelligent. I am a smart ass. I am funny. I am a photographer. I am a graphic designer. I am a future business woman. I am a great listener. I am confident. I am humble. I am the first person to make the people around me feel good. I am a musician. I am laid back. I am chill. I am a dancer. I am down to earth. I am a writer. I am flawed. I am real. I am a tomboy. I am a girlie girl. I am a sex siren. I am a nerd. I am addicted to music. I am a people person. I am a reader. I am a thinker. I am shy. I am classy. I am lazy. I am a giggler. I am a goofball. I am ticklish. I am sarcastic. I am honest. I am not perfect. I am thoughtful. I am a giver not a taker. I am a lover not a fighter.

I am me.

.sober.

2008-03-11T14:36:00.000-07:00

I thought if I stood on the edge of today
that I would understand tomorrow.
I thought if I rocked back and forth on a question
that the answer would arrive.
instead, the question still haunts me
with all the meaningless gestures that I'm sick of
yet the question still remains....

If I fuck you sober will I fall in love?

March 22nd. 2004

.float.

2008-03-11T12:50:00.000-07:00

I lean over him
lips parted,
inhaling his masculine scent
and swallowing his purpose.

I am trembling as my fingertips explore his face
traveling across his valleys of stuble
searching for his soul.

I try to catch my breath in vain
only to be left with

myself un-wrapped before him;
waiting to feel his seduction inside of me
and striking through me like lightning.

The anticipation is a pleasant torment
of shifting shapes;
yet void of rational thought.

I am panting...
wanting...
needing...

I am agressivly shy
but ready to swallow him whole.
I am ready to travel to a space
where time is of no matter
and nothing is of any consequence.

I wrap my arms around him
pulling him into me
attemping to contain
that which cannot be contained.

my passion for him;

my desire for him.

instead I let go.
instead I fly.

higher and higher....

i am floating.

he is my lover.
and i am loved.

.forward.

2008-03-11T10:25:00.000-07:00

My brain is overflowing right now. I feel like its in over-drive. Over-analyzing. Rewinding. Fast forwarding. Contemplating. I feel myself going through a pretty big change right now, in my thought process, and the way I am approaching my life and everyone in it.

This is a good thing though. A very good thing. This is something that I needed to start long ago, but someone in my life has inspired me, and I don't' even think he knows it.

I'm at the beginning stages of changes that I've wanted to make for a very long time, but have never felt like I had someone by my side to go through it with me. Or someone who I cared enough about to make those changes with / for. Thats not to say that I'm not doing this for me - becuase I absolutley am. But sometimes all it takes is one person to care enough about you to motivate you to become a better person.

I'm acutely aware that I'm not perfect. I have my flaws and imperfections, and I will stumble and fall but it is important that I surround myself with the right people and friends.

I am being very vague and I apologize for that. Mainly because I don't know who all reads this blog, and I'm not sure how deep into this I'm ready to delve just yet in a public arena, but maybe in soon I will open up a bit more. I need to sort everything out in my head first.

I will say though that I am disenchanted with a lot of things right now. And oddly enoguh, the one thing in my life that I am content wtih is the one relatinship that was so rocky for so long.

I'm ready to make some changes.

.three.

2008-03-07T14:25:00.001-08:00

I have three...possibly four photoshoots this weekend.
Keep your eyes peeled on the photo blog for updates/ new photos.

.kiss.

2008-03-06T14:08:00.000-08:00

Kissing him is like a power surge through my body. I am an electric car, and with his kiss, I can drive thousands of miles without stopping. It is a shock to have his lips against mine that I cannot grasp or comprehend, but I will always let it flow without pause or misdirection. It is perfection. When his tounge slithers in and out of my mouth, I feel like I could float away with the happy thoughts that flood my heart. His mouth makes the most perfect heart shape that connects to my lips like a magnet, and fills me with hope.

When I feel his hands on my face or behind my neck, pulling me closer into him, the very fibers flutter within my soul. I feel his stubble teasing the peach fuzz on my face and it tickles ever so slightly. I want to swallow him. I want to breathe him in so hard that we become one.

....I only wish that I could feel this feeling more often.

If I could keep his clone in my pocket

and take him out for play and pleasure...

It would be a perfect world.

*sigh*

for now;

2008-03-06T08:40:00.000-08:00

for now;
it's beauitiful.
it's true.
it's understood.

for now;
we've moved
into the carefree area
of our hearts.

for now;
I am nailing our feet to the ground
so that we cannot float away;

for now;
I cannot lose
the three words
that I am not supposed to say.

.allo.

2008-03-04T14:58:00.001-08:00

I havn't been writing much lately. Writers block I'd assume. Why is it that my inspiratons generally come from pain, heartache, or the sky falling in around me? hopefully something will spark my thoughts again, but overall I'm happy with everything right now so who knows. Keep checking back and hopefully I'll have something worth your time up around these parts. *smile*

.crunch.

2008-03-04T14:54:00.000-08:00

I will wear you like a backache
and crown you like a grudge.
I will wrap my cold lifeless hands around your heart
and pull your entangled memories from your soul.

Pay careful attention while I re-arrange everything inside you
that has been trampled on;
and ignite your illusions with my tongue.

The torch has been lit;
The fire beams blue.

The chemicals between us
Can only now pull the sky down around us.

It's heavy….that is no doubt.

Teeth clenched, fists pounding
We fight for our existence;
reaching outside of our silent contradictions.

We are nothing.
We are everything.
We are what you want us to be.

03.04.08

.i am taurus.

2008-02-28T15:07:00.000-08:00

Aggressive. Freak in bed. Rare to find. Loves being in longrelationships. Likes to give a good fight for what they want. Extremely outgoing. Sexy as hell. Loves to help people in times of need. Outstanding kisser. Very funny. Awesome personality. Stubborn. Most caring person you will ever meet. One of a kind. Not one to fuck with. Are the sexiest people on earth.

+ + + + + + +

Taurus, your practicality pervades professional and personal realms, as you doggedly nurture goals to their conclusions. You are methodic in your actions from start to finish and anything but a quitter. There is a downside to this though, it is that you are disinclined to cut your losses when you should. You seek comfort with a vengeance in your work ethic, possessions, lovers, financial security and efficiency. Sometimes you unduly sacrifice pleasure for business. But your sense of humor, generosity and sincerity can be illuminated by the sunshine of someone who accepts you as you are and is willing to play conformer to your reformer.

Taurus, the Bull, is ruled by Venus, the planet of love and desire.

It is a strong and solid sign. Taurus governs practicality and security.

It is a feminine sign and very magnetic.

.paperdoll.

2008-02-28T08:19:00.000-08:00

I am a paper doll.

Paper thin and made of wood. You can bind me and tie me, but trust that I will break. You can light me on fire, and I will burn to the ground and leave you with nothing but ash and remnants of something that I once was.

You can write words on me and I will absorb them, taking them into the dark recesses of my mind, or you can leave me blank and I will feel nothing, fading away into thin air.

Fold me up into a paper doll, name me, mold me and call me yours. I will lay with you forever without so much as a sound or a care. I will not eat away at you. I will ask nothing of you. You can tell me your deepest darkest secrets, tell me you love me, and I will need nothing from you in return.

I am empty.

You made me.

I am yours.

.blush.

2008-02-27T18:54:00.001-08:00

Because this absolutely made my day.
To the reader / writer who I will keep anonymous -
I cannot thank you enough for your kind words!

+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +

"And please forgive me, but I have to talk to Recycled Chaos for a minute b/c I was too chicken to comment on her blog. Recycled Chaos, you write so beautifully. I read probably 10 or 11 posts and each was unique and poetic. If you look at my blog you will never believe that I love your blog, but I do. I hate the objectification of women, but you aren't even close. You know who you are and know what you love. There is a huge difference between making love and having sex and there is a huge difference between porn and personal discovery. I like you a whole hell of a lot and I know I'm not alone (because Cecile does too!!!). Not because of the sexual overtones, but because of the beautiful way you express yourself and your poetry. You'll laugh, but I could never be you because I have a zillion other interests, but I adore that you know who you are and know what you want and write about it so eloquently. Good for you sweetie. Keep writing and I'll keep reading.

You belong there. Trust me. The subject matter is different, but the words are beautiful."

.rise.

2008-02-27T15:36:00.000-08:00

I feel my heart releasing its grip on the once unobtainable. The merry go-round is taking its toll and i can feel it. You can only fight to hold on for so long before it starts moving out of control and you eventually loosen your grip. I feel it now .... and when I lift my face to the sky I see my reflection in the sunshine. It is of course possible that once again I am fooling myself (I'm good at that, see a few blog entries down) but for the first time in a long time I feel whole again. With nothing but myself. Writing helps tremendously, but somewhere I found my legs again and got some ground underneath me. (its amazing what daily trips to the gym will do for my mentality. and my ass for that matter lol.) The feeling shifts and fluctuates but today...today, I feel invincible. I'm slowly starting to see that I don't need anyone except myself.

I feel like I can dance in the rain with one foot, and twirl in the sun with my skirt flowing in circles. Today I am all smiles for miles and miles.

I know my worth...

and I will never lessen my grip on myself.

+

we rise and fall on pride and gain.
I'm about to give rise, like the sun never could.

.lyric.

2008-02-27T15:01:00.000-08:00

so I'll love whatever you become
and forget the reckless things we've done
I think our lives have just begun.

Falling Away With You - Muse

+ + + + + + + + + +

edit: i lied. I do have something to say *smile*

.free fall.

2008-02-26T20:47:00.000-08:00

I'm a good girl with a filthy mind, and a heart full of love. I had a good upbringing and managed to make it through my youth relatively unscathed. Of course, like anyone, I had my share of problems - an alcoholic mother, a non-existent father - but my motives have always remained pure. My grandparents raised me for the better part of my teenage years, and they were my role models. After being married for almost 40 years, they showed me what it's like to love unconditionally and respect one another.

On the outside I am confident, solid, hard as a rock, and without need of anyone. I'll admit that I truly am most of these qualities, but I'm realizing more and more lately - possibly becuase I'm so far from home and have no one out here with me - that I also am very soft and sweet and in need of love on the inside. I'm missing something in my life that I've always had. Be it through family, or lovers, boyfriends, etc.

I love being in love, being loved, and giving love. To family, friends and lovers. I am not yet bitter and destroyed by broken hearts like some of my friends. Hopeless romantic they call it? I'll accept that. I am soft to the core of who I am. A trait that surprises most people who have that initial judgment that I'm a typical "bitch."

I cherish sweet kisses, adorable smiles, arms wrapped tightly around me, deep stares, moments of lust and moments of laughter. I embrace being able to make another person feel amazing and wanted. It's just who I am.

I'm a bit of a tomboy, but I'm all woman on the inside. A woman with a stable mind and open heart.

I'm not saying that I "need" a man, or the comfort of one in my life. I guess more so a realization that without the love and affection of my family around me, I often find myself feeling empty, and yearning for that aspect of my life thats missing. I miss their hugs, and silly text messages, and our crazy weekends where we'd laugh and hug and kiss each other on the lips or spend the night entwined on the couch laughing and talking. My cousins and I are as close as any family could be. I trust them with my life and for a long time, they filled the gaps in my heart and inflated my soul. But when they're 1500 miles away, that gap seem to collect dust.

Who knows. Maybe my permanence in this state was a bad choice. Maybe I underestimated the importance of being surrounded by people who truly, unconditionally love you as you love them. I just really don't know.

.flustered.

2008-02-26T15:20:00.000-08:00

he's so hard to love sometimes...

but sometimes its so hard not to.

.the story of my life.

.charmed.

2008-02-25T13:48:00.000-08:00

I think its slowly occuring to me that I'm an illusionist.
Yes, I am able to charm myself into a reality that does not exist.

I am able to make myself believe in a future that probably is not real.
I am able to give a love that may never be reciprocated.

I am a magitian to my own self.

I am the joke.

I am fooling no one but myself.

this game that we play is nothing but destructive.

do we go back and forth until there is nothing left but an empty hat and an afterthought?

.puzzle.

2008-02-25T09:04:00.000-08:00

I’m crawling through the dark recesses of my brain. Trying desperately to grasp the pieces and make sense of my thoughts. One minute I’m certain that I’ve got it all put together and figured out, then the pieces crumble again and I’m left to solve the puzzle once more. My knees are scuffed and bleeding but I keep crawling, refusing to give up on this puzzle. I refuse to believe that this puzzle cannot be put together.

But perhaps this puzzle is not meant to be put together. Perhaps it is meant to be left in unidentifiable pieces. Perhaps, if by putting the puzzle together, my fate will still have me tumbling to the ground, broken and in despair. Is this a challenge that I should be accepting? Or should I crawl away now, leaving the unfinished pieces behind me? Perhaps I’m meant to let the pieces put themselves together while I watch silently from a peephole miles away within my heart.

I stand and watch. Ready to run, and ready to fall.

It is a paradox that confuses me.

Anxious.

Abandoned.

Alone.

Neglected.

I place my hands over the peephole in my heart in a desperate attempt to not let any air escape. My whole body swells with oxygen yet I’m suffocating. The puzzle sits still in front of me while I remain alone, tears streaming own my face, needing to see the final picture of the puzzle take form, and the let down is immense.

The uncertainty both excites me and destroys me.

Falling onto my knees once more, I crawl back to the dark recesses of my thoughts.

.truth.

2008-02-24T21:09:00.001-08:00

"My fight for truth, beauty and goodness sustains me, I am loved by someone who keeps trying no matter how many times he fails. Life is full of things - good and bad - but the good is what builds, is what prevails. I wish for you always that good upon good upon good - even in the most dark and wistful moments when good seems a pale rain-streaked ghost, things can change. There is always a sun shining, even behind the darkest clouds."

-Thea Hardy

.end.

2008-02-24T19:03:00.001-08:00

Warning: If you are reading this then this warning is for you. Every word you read of this useless fine print is another second off your life. Don't you have other things to do? Is your life so empty that you honestly can't think of a better way to spend these moments? Or are you so impressed with authority that you give respect and credence to all that claim it? Do you read everything you're supposed to read? Do you think every thing you're supposed to think? Buy what you're told to want? Get out of your apartment. Meet a member of the opposite sex. Stop the excessive shopping and masturbation. Quit your job. Start a fight. Prove you're alive. If you don't claim your humanity you will become a statistic. You have been warned.

This is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time.

- Tyler Durden / Fight Club

.willing.

2008-02-24T18:24:00.001-08:00

I am an extremely sexual person. I love to write about it, do it, talk about it, think about it...It is my nature and has been as long as I can remember. Sexuality is in my blood, coursing thorough my veins and it explodes in every area of my life. It has been said that it seeps through my skin and infects those around me. Everyone knows this about me. In my circle of friends I am the "horny" one, and although its joked about, they're not nessesarily wrong. I am very selective about who gets to experience this side of me, but it is a prevelent part of my life. My photography has also been said to carry obvious sexual undertones, and this is not something that I set out to achieve on purpose - it is just a byproduct of who I am by nature.

Nature and nurture.

I find myself giving my nature, and constantly seeking the nurture. Is there a balance? Or am I settling? I’ve only slept with a handful of men. My number is lower than most 26 year old women, and part of me is proud to say that, but I also wonder if I’ve found a man yet who’s allowed me to unleash my inner sexual self and be completely, unequivocally me. I always feel that I’ve only give about 75% of what I truly have to give to a partner. I want to give it all…but can I give it to someone who is reluctant to take it? Or who is reluctant to give in return?

Being a great lover is not just about the act of sex. Phenomenal sex is, to some extent, about the chemistry between the two people having it, but there is also more to it. That chemistry is the first step, and while it’s a large step, there’s more ground to cover. I feel amazing while I’m making love to someone that I have chemistry with…but… there are things I want that I’m not so sure I’ve had. Things that I imagine when I am alone to my own thoughts.

Things that I’m sure can, and do, exist in one neatly wrapped package.

I want him to hold me close…
To take me into his arms and kiss me all over….
I want to feel his fingertips explore my body while telling me how sexy I am….
I want him to tenderly melt me …
Dominate me…
And then extinguish me.

I yearn to feel as good as I make others feel.
I yearn to receive as much as I am willing to give.

+

I am willing to take risks.
I am willing to love with everything in me.
I am willing to explore uncharted waters with him.
I am willing to give everything I’ve got to give.
I am willing to open up every facet of my being to him…
But…is he?
.
.
.
.

.jet.

2008-02-23T17:28:00.000-08:00

I used to write erotic stories/ tales years ago and have stopped.
It would seem that I have found my muse and have been inspired to write again.
I’m starting off tame, and working my way back to the graphic. Because of this, and the nature of a public blog, I will probably not be posting anymore personal photos of myself on this blog, and have since erased any that were posted previously. I want to write again. Express a side of myself that is prevalent and often forgotten about.

i am lying naked next to him trying to find slumber
while his arms are around me from behind…holding me close.
he is warm and strong and perfect against my skin.

his touch is gentle and safe without a care in the world.

he rolls me over and his lips meet with mine beautifully.
perfectly.

i feel desired, encased and protected.
in his presence, I can let myself be soft and vulnerable.

my entire body is shaking violently in anticipation of his
mouth and manhood once again colliding with all of my wet parts.

My entire body is shaking violently because I want him.

in slow purposeful movements he climbs on top of me
pushing into me...
slowly working himself into my sweet spot.

my nails find security in his flesh
and my moans escape my throat into the silent night air.

i am euphoric. frenzied.

…completely lost in this moment….

my heart and my box are intertwined
while his kisses spread me open and break down my barriers.

in a swift motion I find myself on my belly
holding my breathe
as he takes me from behind.

the heat between out bodies is a tangible mess
of desire and devotion.
in this moment…. I belong to him.
I surrender everything just to feel him explode into the depths of my soul.

my toes curl…and release…
my insides tie into knots that I don't think will ever be un-done.
the intensity is building
and our primal dance becomes more volatile
….our bodies are close to detonation.

he is breathing hard above me and behind me.
his stubble is tracing back and forth on my face with each thrust.
he kisses me from behind and the salty sweat from his lips drip onto mine

the intensity paralyzes me and my breathing stops for a moment in time
while I feel every inch of his body tense inside me before releasing.

i feel as if the entire world is thousands of miles away, in some other solar system
and we are just stars floating through this continuum together…

he holds onto me with strength and passion
holding my body below him while grasping my heart all the while, unknowingly.

we are lost for a few moments in time.

....lost in each other.

because of him…. I am insatiable.

.drugged.

2008-02-23T13:52:00.000-08:00

I feel all of my senses exploding.
my heart pulses with the beat of a thousand drums
and my gut throbs with the beat of endless orgasms.

He enveloped me last night.
Took me to places that I did not know existed…
In the fine corners of his mind, he reached out to me and we clashed
with the force of a million atomic bombs.

I can still taste his juices dripping off my lips
and feel him running his fingers through my hair.
I can still taste his lips pressed against mine
while the breath of passion was passed back and forth
between our lustful mouths.

I cannot get enough.
In the most mundane of places
I catch myself smiling…
remembering…
wanting…
imagining the way he feels inside of me
…..underneath me…..
......and on top of me......

I am an addict and he is my drug of choice.

.shapeshifter.

2008-02-14T10:56:00.000-08:00

My moods shift about every 5 seconds right now, and my thoughts are scattered and all I can do is write them down to make sense of them, and even then I don't think it helps a whole bunch. one minute I'm happy, the next Im confused nad lost and start to panic.

I do believe that for the 1st time in my life I've let go. Completely, let go. I have no control over anything right now except the tangible things in my life - work, school. It's a combination of things - feeling lost, my heart aching, wondering where I'm going, questioning everything, finding peace and then losing it....

For the first time in my entire life , I have no one....except me.
There is no one by the way side, no boys biding for my time, no fuck buddies, nothing. Just. ME.And I think I'm okay with that, but it'll take some getting used to. I'm a strong person, and I know myself really well, so I have yet to understand what I'm getting out of this, but hopefully down the road I'll figure it out. Being alone is a very scary prospect. It's an open ended question that no one can answer. Fate has it's hand in your card game and you just have to surrender to it, and let it play out however it may.

Everyone keeps saying "oh its good for you, you need to do this" bla bla bla, and truthfully, I've gone on soul searching journeys with myself for the last 5 years or so. I live alone, I've lived alone, I know myself really well. So what is the purpose of this? And why is it so "nessessary" i wonder....

I guess essentially this was what I wanted when I broke up with my ex. Only, my heart chose a different path for a while, so now I find myself where I maybe should've been months ago. Here I am, alone in a different state, my family is so far away, and I'm trying to make it day by day on my own.

There have been points in the last few days, where I was sure that time was standing still. The process of moving on and moving forward is never as easy as it seems. To me things have always been so black and white, but not anymore. I step back and look at my life right now and I see a rainbow of colors that go off into the distance and I don't know where the rainbow ends.

Maybe these colors will be my guidelines over the next few weeks (months...years?) while I make it on my own. All of that love that I have to give has now been directed inward and towards my friends, who, I'm pretty sure...can get me through just about anything. =]

+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +

"OUR DEEPEST FEAR IS NOT THAT WE ARE INADEQUATE. OUR DEEPEST FEAR IS THAT WE ARE POWERFUL BEYOND MEASURE. IT IS OUR LIGHT, NOT OUR DARKNESS THAT MOST FRIGHTENS US. WE ASK OURSELVES, "WHO AM I TO BE BRILLIANT, GORGEOUS, TALENTED, AND FABULOUS?" ACTUALLY, WHO ARE YOU NOT TO BE?

YOUR PLAYING SMALL DOES NOT SERVE THE WORLD. THERE IS NOTHING ENLIGHTENED ABOUT SHRINKING SO THAT OTHER PEOPLE WON'T FEEL INSECURE AROUND YOU.

WE ARE ALL MEANT TO SHINE.IT'S NOT JUST IN SOME OF US; IT'S IN EVERYONE. AND AS WE LET OUR OWN LIGHT SHINE, WE UNCONSCIOUSLY GIVE OTHER PEOPLE PERMISSION TO DO THE SAME. AS WE ARE LIBERATED FROM OUR OWN FEAR, OUR PRESENCE AUTOMATICALLY LIBERATES OTHERS."

.crush.

2008-02-13T10:42:00.000-08:00

tucked away on a porcelain throne
i watch as the tears crash onto the tile below me.
each one representing a memory that is now discarded
and hopeless.

the cold hand of disappointment grips my heart
as I lay in the clutches of what could have been
and I watch myself shrink away to a place that
I have never seen.

I reach inside myself and find my strength
pulling it to the surface
and riding it through the waves of emotion.

Deep down I know the sunshine will return
and the grip of heartache will ease
into something even more beautiful and precise.

until then:

...waiting...

...and waiting....

2.13.08

.evidence.

2008-02-13T09:47:00.001-08:00

and its over. we've said our goodbyes. I sit at work writing this and the knot in my throat is massive. I feel like my heart is cracked right down the middle. He has to do what he has to do, and we both see that now.

I just wish things could have been different.

.broken hearts and atom bombs.

2008-02-08T08:30:00.000-08:00

broken hearts and atom bombs: I write this not entirely because of myself, but because of what I'm witnessing around me. I've touched on it, but what my friends are going through is heartbreak of the worst kind, and it definitely puts some thoughts into my head on the whole subject. So, I'm rambling on...

Oh love and life, and life and love. Two things that lately I just don't think go together. The same old cliche's seem to always apply no matter how old you are, what you go through, or how many times you go through it and think you have a grasp on love. Truth is, you just don't.

Seems to be the time of year these last few months. My friends all around me are going through life altering, world shattering breakups. The feeling of not being wanted, is the most heart breaking, painful feeling anyone can go through. All around me my friends have given so much to their perspective lovers, and instead were told that (in not so many words) that they just wern't enough, or that they can't be given what they need.

It's a tough feeling to come in second or feel easily replaceable. Or when you miss someone adn they don't care.

Everyday within heartache becomes a struggle. The simplest of tasks bare a burdon. Everything around you reminds you of the person you were with and the tears just fall and there is not a damn thing in the world you can do to stop them.

Heart ache comes in all diffeerent forms and levels, but I can honestly see for the first time in a long time, why a couple of my friends are jaded and guarded in matters of the heart. When something breaks you and reduces you to rubble, it only makes sense that you would never want to experience that sort of pain again. The wall goes up, adn your guard is in full effect. From then on our you're wary... every new person scares you. Will they break you too? Is it worth even trying? Is the juice really worth the squeeze?

For the first time in years, I was stupid and didn't think, and I fell on my face. For the suitors that call from here on out, you now have me in a wary state. I backed up, and I backed off. I'm 10 steps ahead of you in the art of protecting myself now.

+

the only thing I know is that we'll all recover from the heartache we are or will go through. But where doese that lead us? Are we damaged goods? For some of my friends, I truly think they will never be the same.

+

I guess in some sense, like one of my friends said, heartbreak very much lets you know you're alive. And I guess all you can do is try to embrace that through the pain and aching of your heart. This is what life is about afterall...feeling alive. As much as it hurts, it has to pave the way to bigger and better things someday.

All we can do is hold onto each other for this ride called life and hope that we dont' puke at the end ;)

There's the ones that you love,
the ones that love you,
the ones that make you come.
The ones that make you come unglued.
It's easy to beat the system,
had a hard time beating the symptoms...
I can't turn my back on you,
when you are already walking away.

- Manson.

.pieces.

2008-02-07T12:25:00.000-08:00

My friends have given me clarity. Whenever I'm down it really reminds me of how absolutely amazing my friends in my life are. They are wise and see clearly when I cannot.

I left my last relationship of giving so much to someone, and allowed my heart to re-invest into something so immediately and that something was pretty much right where I'd left off with the last one. It was a mistake, and I knew it from the start, but I was free-falling and I didn't know how to stop.

The free-fall continued, through struggles and trials with him, and after weeks and weeks of struggling mixed in with the most beautiful/intense moments I've ever had with anyone, I fell on my face.

I had to call it what it was. He's not ready for me, and I just can't force him.

I guess the biggest fault I have is that I'm an open, caring person. I would do just about anything for someone that I care about, but this time around, I gave too much too soon, and I ended up the joke.

I believed in something that he didn't. I saw the potential, he saw nothing.. I fell....he stood his ground.

Its incredibly difficult to say that I'm not angry with him. But I can't be. I was warned from the beginning that he wasn't ready for me, and I should have listened. Somewhere deep down inside I knew he wasn't ready either. As good as we were together, the timing was off.

I can only take this that this is life's way of telling me to take time for myself. Enjoy it with my friends. Live it up, travel....

It's amazing that my heartache can be felt around my group of friends right now. I'm not the only person going through this. They're coming out of the wood work to make me feel better which makes me feel loved, and most of all, so blessed. I couldn't ask for better friends.

I still broken and defeated, and my heart aches for something that just cannot be, but I know this too shall pass. Like most things in life, they work themselves out. If its meant to be it'll be.

I'm trying so incredibly hard to not let the bitterness rise but its difficult. Having a taste of heartbreak after not feeling this for years, makes me want to shut down and put a wall around my heart. I can't let anyone in if this is how its going to end up. I was always good at keeping people at arms length away. Even in my relationships, and the one time I let my guard down, I became the one who suffered.

Perhaps I should keep hope that somewhere out there, there's a man who is everything I want, and who will love me unconditionally and appreciate what he has and hold onto me so tightly that he'll never let go.

For now - Music and my friends will heal me. <3

“And for one more silly saying, I really really believe this, that a heart not open to hurt is a heart not open to love. It's more than a fair trade. So you cry your eyes out as much as you need or want, and you get back up on the fucking horse and live your life, and fight with every ounce of your energy to keep an open heart. Every guarded moment is a moment of life wasted”

.raw.

2008-01-29T10:40:00.000-08:00

It's the kind of love making
that turns your stomach into knots.
The kind that makes you smile
the next day when you're walking into work.
People look at you, wondering what's gotten into you....

He's gotten into me.
And all around me.
I can smell him in my hair, my skin, and my panties.
Infecting every pore of my being.

His touch is seductive and his fingertips invasive.
His needs thrust me into a desire...

...a desire to please him.
It doesn't make sense.

It's primal, raw, and leaves me vulnerable.

but whatever it is...

It's mine.
copyright: - 01.29.08

.break away.

2008-01-28T12:40:00.000-08:00

will I wake up one morning
and see your face
and streaks on the window
that the rainstorm makes
could you bear all the weight
and the strength that it takes
could I ever break away
can I have my cake
can I have you too
would you follow me
could I ask you to
would the world between us
break these ties
we've worked so hard to realize
can a postcard say
what I see in your eyes
could I ever break away?

- john mayer.

.happy vs. sad.

2008-01-28T08:35:00.001-08:00

It seems that the majority of the men that I've been meeting since I've been single, have issues with being happy. Do I just have bad luck or is t here some trend that I'm missing?

My ex boyfriend of 3 years was in a good mental state when I first met him, but I watched him slowly deteriorate. I found out later that he had been on anti-depressants and stopped taking them, which threw him into a downward spiral. He was on the lesser side of depression, but still, I battled his mental state on a constant basis, and it became absolutely exhausting. After a year and a half of battling to get him to a happy place, I gave up.

He would look at life through binoculars and seek out the bad, dwell on it, and allow things to snowball into a depression. I've always been the type of person to find the good in any situation, no matter how awful it is, and those two types of people just don't mesh.

Never again will I be that girl.

The biggest lesson that I learned in that relationship is that you absolutely, unequivocally CANNOT "be" someone elses happiness. No matter what you do or how hard you try, if they cannot make themselves happy, it's a lost cause.

...and if they cannot figure out how to make themselves happy, then what can they possibly contribute to a relationship?

It's a struggle for me to realize and follow through with this. I have a motherly nature about me, always have, and I tend to want to be able to help the people I care about. But when it comes to making people happy, I have to just let go and realize that its out of my control.

With that said however, I'm all about people making changes for the better. And those are the ones that are worth hanging out with.

Life is just too short to spend time being sad about everything. If I realized that I was spending a lot of time being depressed, sad, over-analytical, etc... I would do anything in my power to get myself back to a good state mentally. It's detrimental to our success and our health.

This life cannot...be taken for granted.

The next man that I get really serious with absolutely must be able to step back and assess a situation and realize "hey, this isn't so bad. It's life. Life happens and I'll make it through this."

"We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves happy.

The amount of work is the same."

.wicked game.

2008-01-24T13:40:00.000-08:00

I am strong. I am scared. I am healthy. I am completely nuts. I am completely not.

I am nervous. I am present. I am not. I am in some alternate, watery world.
I am me. I am this moment. I am now.

(The Provocateur)

+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +

The world was on fire and no one could save me but you.

It's strange what desire will make foolish people do.

.evidence.

2008-01-24T13:09:00.000-08:00

You have eyes that
Lead me on
And a body that
Shows me death
Your lips look like they were made
For something else but
They just suck my breath.

I want your pain
To taste why you're ashamed
And I know you're not just what you say to me
And I'm not the only moment you're made of.

You're so sudden and sweet
All legs, knuckle, knees
Head's blown clean off
Your mouth's paid off
F**k me 'til we know it's unsafe
And we'll paint
Over the evidence
I want you wanting me
I want what I see in your eyes.

.said.

2008-01-24T12:52:00.000-08:00

Today I feel lost. Confused. And a little upset with myself for allowing myself to fall into something that wasn't meant to be. Being single means no attachments. Yet I found myself immediatly back into the trend of trying to make someone happy. Or change him? Why do I do these things. I think my heart is often too big for its own good.

....But there was something very special there. We had a bond and a connection that's very difficult to find. Walking away from that is difficult. Emotions are invested. My heart says no, and my head says yes.

...oh and to think he was falling for me.

Time to focus on me. On school. On getting back to working out, eating healthy, studying, and shooting as much as possbile. I've never been the type of girl to think that I "have" to have a man in my life, but it somehow always happens. At least now I'm wise enough to call a spade a spade. *sigh*

But...it still hurts. and my heart still aches.

and I still want his arms around me, and to gaze into his eyes.

+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +

I can't turn my back on you

when you are walking away.

.seek and destroy.

2008-01-22T11:52:00.000-08:00

i'm captivated
// falling
seeing myself picking up the pieces
of what he's going to leave of me
but enthralled and unable to walk away

tragically aroused
designed to go down without a fight
// i want
everything
but by design i am forgotten.

copyright: 01.22.08

.recycled.

2008-01-22T10:59:00.000-08:00

Lying in my silent bed, my own thoughts are soothing. My own comforting pillow talk raises questions and ideologies on my own life itself.

[my latest ponderence?] So maybe life isn't as ruthless as I thought? The way my life has been going lately, you'd never know it, but maybe, just maybe beneath the remains, there lies a purpose. Maybe life doesn't just chew you up and spit you out.

It seems that there is an impeccable timing for each piece of this never-ending reality. I've fucked up and I've stumbled, but every toe I've stepped on was broken for a reason. Each bone meticulously shattered, and out of that came a new one. A stronger one.

The lessons learned over the past 12 months have been immense. As well as the comfort that came from each one. Some things have been misconstrued. Some things misunderstood. My thoughts have been recycled over and over until they were exhausted, and in the end, it all made sense.

My errors, hypercriticisms, and idiosyncrasies are just that - mine. The beauty of what I speak is not that I'm okay with "who" I am, but that that I am okay with my own revelations and motivations. I have, and will continue to taste life with fervor, and a passionate pallate of change and new beginnings. Because this is what it was all for. This is what its all about.

[copyright] - me.

.searching.

2008-01-22T10:38:00.001-08:00

[backposting old writings/blogs/etc. - november 2007]

There is so much that I'm finding myself searching for. Or have been searching for and never stopped long enough to think about it. My future, my career, my love life... I want it all, and I want it done right. I don't think I deserve anything less really.

I want my photography to be my career. I want to wake up every single day and have a lineup of photoshoots to do, with money coming in for each of them. I want my own studio, and my name to be known. My aspirations of fashion p hotography have somewhat faded away, but I still have an idea of where I want to go. I'm a simple girl... I want a simple life. I want to travel and experience this world, do what I love, and have someone by myside to enjoy it with.

Someone who loves me endlessly. Someone who recognizes that I will do anything for them and expect love and attention and care in return. This someone will be passionate, intelligent, sexy and loyal, full of life and a breath of fresh air for me. Our love will not be one sided. I cannot ever again give to someone until I break.

Some things I will not bend or fold on.

I shouldn't have to.

.... is this too much to ask?.....